warmsuggestion:

“You’ve been doing it all wrong. That’s why you haven’t seen the results you expected,” said the doctor. He rifled through his scuffed, black satchel. He pulled from it a small, flat square of white gauze. He unwrapped it to show a sealed grey pouch upon which was written a great number of claims, ingredients, instructions, and measurements. 

“Here,” he said. “Look here.”

I got up from the examination table, the thin butcher paper crinkling audibly as I stood. I stepped to his side and looked carefully at the pouch. It was a product I was very familiar with. One which I had been using for months. He turned it over and pointed to a line of text at the bottom left. 

“See?” he asked. I nodded. I did see. I took the pouch from him and read the line again. I looked to the learned man in white. 

“You look upset,” he said. 

“I’m not upset. I’m just surprised.”

“People usually are once they find out. You can take that one with you. I’ve got plenty more.” He looked over his small, wire-framed spectacles at me and smiled without emotion. He waved me away and turned back to his apothecary bag, closed it, and secured the clasp. The click was flat and dull in that bright hospital room. 

I looked up from the pouch, now slightly damp and slick from my perspiring fingertips, mouth agape as I tried to calculate how much money I had wasted. How much time. 

Later that evening, I set a saucepan of heavily salted water to boil. The grey pouch sat on the tile counter before me. I felt a fool. I picked it up and read the text printed on the bottom left corner of the back of the package once again: Steep in salted boiling water for eight minutes. Ingest anally using enema of your choice. 

I couldn’t believe I had been using flat tummy tea incorrectly this whole time. I looked to the pan of steaming water. I looked to the ticking clock hung above the window. 

Trainspotting (1996)

6i:

i just want to thank all those who’ve destroyed me into the person i am today

(via platybussy)

officialunitedstates:

big bird deserves the full weight of the US military behind him